Squirrels in the News: The Good Old Days.

The world was more simple just a few short years ago, wasn't it? Before September 11th, before 'terrorist' became an everyday word, everything seemed easier. Do you remember those golden years, when the most dangerous threat to our country was not dirty bombs, or yellowcake?

It was squirrels.

What, do you doubt me? Then how do you explain this front page article from the July 31st issue of USA Today, 1998?

WHAT'S THAT GNAWING AT YOU? PROBABLY A SQUIRREL

In nature's leafy kingdom of plague and pestilence, the backyard squirrel hardly ranks as a pretender. But in the realm of royal pains, he's on the fast track to the throne.

The 60 million people who feed birds and have helplessly watched squirrels devour the cardinals' seeds know this greedy gymnast well. But as more families seek neighborhoods blessed with "old shade" and developers bulldoze woodsy habitat, the nation is finding itself in a turf war with squirrels as never before.

And for untold numbers of Americans, the summer of '98 is playing out like a warped Hitchcock movie: It's The Birds, but in little fur coats.

"Are they ruining my summer?" repeats an incredulous Susan Reynolds. "Squirrels have ruined my summer, my spring, my fall--all of the above." The Irving, Texas, executive secretary has waged an escalating, six-year war with squirrels. "It seems to be worse this summer than ever. It's a regular zoo out there."

One o' them fancy squirrel zoos, no doubt.

While killer bees and kudzu grabbed headlines, the squirrel methodically gathered a swelling constituency of haters. He's why Jonathan Schaefer ordered another 600 animal traps this week to sell from his U-Spray store in Atlanta. He's why the Weber Kettle people are considering making squirrel guards standard equipment on their gas grills. He's the mover and shaker solely responsible for the squirrel-proof bird feeder industry, with annual sales of $4 illion.

The squirrel is responsible for the "squirrel-proof bird feeder." Hm, learn something new everyday.

Already, the squirrel is No. 1 on the list of revenue generators for animal pest control operatives; he's the prime suspect in half of all unsolved fires; he's the documented culprit in a majority of nonweather-related power disruptions; he's the wire chewer who twice brought NASDAQ stock trading to a halt.

Dot Com bubble burst? Don't blame it on inflated prices, it was the squirrels.

And, if anecdotal evidence is a reliable indicator . . .

Isn't it always?

. . . the twitchy menace is on a record tear this summer, chewing up decks, gnawing through garden hoses and biting off bicycle handlebar grips.

"Twitchy menace"? You mean squirrel? I'm calling the ACLU. This writer has an obvious squirrel bias. Where's Jesse Jackson?

"Squirrels are opportunists," says Vagn Flyger, who has studied them for half a century and is professor emeritus of wildlife biology at the University of Maryland. "We humans are providing better living conditions with bird food and bigger trees in our yards than squirrels can find in the wild."

Though no one counts them, experts agree the population is "healthy," if not exploding. "The plentitude varies," says Flyger. "We have an abundance here (in suburban Washington) right now." Including such squirrel cousins as chipmunks and woodchucks, the USA has dozens of native species of tree, ground and flying squirrels. One kind or another is found in just about all 50 states.

Food is the dominant factor in their rate of reproduction, but a healthy female has an average of three babies per litter, and can have two litters a year.

The perennial plentitude allows hunters fond of a squirrel fricassee to take 25-50 million a year. After hunters, the squirrel's main natural enemy is the automobile, one of the few things that seems to confuse these otherwise clever creatures.

The automobile is a natural enemy? This writer needs to get out more.

These opportunists also are a wellspring of opportunity for companies such as Critter Control, a nationwide pest control service that probably would not exist without squirrels, according to president and founder Kevin Clark.

"This wasn't an industry twenty years ago," says Clark, "and now there are thousands of Nuisance Wildlife Control Operators," as the booming profession describes itself.

And about twenty years ago we voted for Reagan, too. Coincidence?

Next to bugs, he says, squirrels are "probably the number one problem in the country."

Forget drugs and terrorism. Bugs and squirrels. I'm surprised Clinton didn't declare war on squirrels and drop some bombs on unsuspecting parks throughout the US.

That's because squirrels can and do wreak havoc once they've chewed their way into a home or scrambled down the chimney. Reports of shredded drapes and slipcovers and plundered kitchen cabinets are fairly common. It's not unheard of for a pest trapper to remove 50 squirrels from a single attic.

Oh, those poor drapes and slipcovers! Kill 'em all, now!

After just 15 years, critter control has 100 offices in 30 states and Canada. Sales rise 15% a year like clockwork, says Clark, and largely because of squirrels. "They are the most common wildlife nuisance, and, yes, they are on the increase."


Suicidal Squirrels

Just ask Susan Reynolds.

Must we?

The frustration of seeing squirrels merrily dig up her flowers and tease Sable the cat is giving way to physical and fiscal suffering. By running up a nearby utility pole and getting into a transformer, suicidal squirrels have triggered "at least six power failures this summer alone."

Suicidal? These are militant squirrels, guerilla squirrels, not suicidal.

She has lost more than one refrigerator full of food during hours-long outages and has gone without air conditioning in the Texas heat.

Better not let these squirrels get to France. This kind of menace could wipe out the country in a week.

Reynolds says she has finally convinced the power company to install some kind of squirrel shield. Meanwhile, she can only watch in quiet desperation as "they jump in my flower pots and get those little hands going and sit in the trees and make those awful noises."

Not to sound high and mighty, but you could always . . . oh, I don't know . . . kick them?

The trouble lies, in part, with their teeth.

Don't it always?

Big, pointy teeth I'd wager.

Squirrels gnaw to keep their rapidly growing teeth under control. Anything and everything makes a fine squirrel teething toy: tool handles, Styrofoam coolers, even plastic gas cans. Garage items are attractive because they're often doused with minerals such as road salt, according to Clark. Gas grill hoses are targeted as much for the drippings of last night's ribs as for the gratifying chewability of a well-constructed rubber hose.

Gratifying chewability of a well-constructed rubber hose?

Whatever the reason, those grill hoses are squirrel magnets of uncommon power this summer. Amy Doyle, a customer service representative with grill giant Weber-Stephen Products, estimates that one in five gas grill owners has had to replace a chewed hose. Hence, Weber now makes a hose protector, and sales have doubled in the two years since introduction, Doyle reports.

Ever occur to you to use a charcoal grill? They are cheaper you know.

Less common (but no less well documented) are squirrel attacks on humans.

The events of two summers ago still strike fear in the hearts of Vicki Albright and her daughter Paige. Paige, then 13, was the first of about a dozen victims of a squirrel that went on a biting rampage through Westerville, Ohio. "In the beginning . . ."

"When the seas ran red with blood . . ."

. . . recalls Vicki Albright, "his antics were comical. But then every time we'd look out, there he was. We felt like prisoners in our own home."

Did it ever occur to you to, I don't know, actually shoo the squirrel away?

The squirrel jumped on Paige and bit her hand, requiring a trip to the emergency room. It bit the UPS delivery man, who had to defend himself with his clipboard. Then it went after a young woman across the street who had called the police about the menace and was attacked in view of an arriving officer.

The police officer, upon assessing the situation, wrote her a citation for acting
like a baby.

The Albrights have not had any more squirrel problems since getting Dakota, their Siberian husky.

Nice to know you had to get a dog to solve your squirrel problem, wuss.


It's not all bad

Whew, I was beginning to worry.


Still, there are good--or, at least, interesting--things about squirrels.

So at best, squirrels aren't even good? Terrorists are militants, but squirrels are evil menaces and vermin?

Squirrels must be republican to get this kind of treatment.

Beyond being entertaining acrobats, they're excellent swimmers, says Flyger. They can sniff out a buried acorn through a foot of snow. They devour poisonous mushrooms.

No, they devour mushrooms. The squirrels don't find them poisonous, idiot.

They rarely carry disease. And they have legions of generous fans, including the legendary Washington, D.C. matron, who, when unable to get to Lafayette Park to feed the squirrels, dispatched bags of peanuts with her chauffeur.

Squirrels, as a group, seem unimpressed by such gestures.

Maybe they are republicans? They don't need a step up from the man.

They will dig up your geraniums to get at fungi, which is a staple of the squirrel diet. They will chew your electrical wiring, destroy your bird feeders and, according to one medical journal, even threaten you with a human form of mad cow disease should you indulge in too much stew containing their brains.

Has eating squirrel brains become that huge of a problem?

Among wild bird fanciers, squirrel-proof feeders stamped with such Star Wars names as Absolute II and Droll Yankee Jagunda are brecoming hot stuff. One called Wild Bills retails for $120 and professes to discourage squirrels with a "harmless sting." Birds are too light to trigger the "breakthrough electronic technology."

Next weapon -- in the war against squirrels? Tactical Nukes.

Despite his size (forest game gourmands say it takes four to make a meal), the squirrel is no puny adversary.

Yes it is.

Defeating him on the bird feeding battlefield requires strategy and money, which is why Arundale Products of St. Louis is selling so many of its Mandarin Sky Cafes, "the Fort Knox of bird feeders."

Bird feeding battlefield? We need to resurrect Patton. He'll show those squirrels what for.

Fort Knox of bird-feeders? Presumably with it's own honor guard I'd wager.

Tim Bush, Arundale vice president, is looking for a 10% boost in sales this year as increasing numbers of bird fanciers come to realize that "anyone who puts up a bird feeder is going to get a squirrel."

Not everyone, of course, is bent on ridding their yards and lives of squirrels.

Not everyone is stupid, either. But what's your point?

Flyger, for one, has a kind of squirrel circus going in which the performers hang from a horizontal wire by their hind feet while pulling strings tied to cans filled with nuts.

Some people are easily entertained it seems.

For him, the rascally rodent is as much fun as it is scholarly pursuit. Since beginning his squirrel studies in 1941, "I got sidetracked a few times to work with polar bears and whales. But I always came back to squirrels."

And... this one time.. at band camp...

If you are not sufficiently terrorized by the prospect of YK2 computer meltdowns, perhaps the YK2+4 squirrel population explosion will get your attention. The year 2004, says University of Maryland biologist Vagn Flyger, brings the next wave of 17-year-locusts to some parts of the USA.

That means squirrels--which love to eat locusts--will be well-fed. Well-fed squirrels mean larger-than-usual litters. And that all adds up to more squirrel problems than ever.

Locusts or squirrels? Why can't we have both!

Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to get rid of pesky squirrels, short of hiring an expert or trapping them yourself and relocating them.

Or using your foot.

Moth balls, dried blood, ammonia, plastic owls, wolf urine, and a host of other suggested remedies don't have much effect on squirrels.

Use all of the above, but do not use a broom. It might work.

Some experts say they even get used to red pepper when put in the bird seed they steal. (Birds apparently don't care what kind of seasoning is on their food.)

Squirrels that get used to red pepper? Must be those cajun squirrels we hear so much about.

A product named Ropel, advertised as pet safe but bad tasting for all animals, is recommended for spots where squirrels or other creatures have already left tooth marks. Pest control experts recommend capping your chimney, stapling rat wire over all openings and vents and trimming limbs that overhang your house.

And while you're at it, bar your windows and cut the phone lines. The squirrels can run through them like in the movie "Shocker."

Otherwise, nothing seems to work, though squirrel-fighters have tried everything from gasoline to bleach.

Where did they try this stuff, and where are the videos?

"Well, I blinded myself with bleach, and burned down my house, but I'm pretty sure I got that damned squirrel, er, twitchy menace."

"Chirp."

"Noooooo!"

Flyger's advice: Squirrel-proof everything you own and then "sit back and enjoy the show."

And how!

Shamelessly "borrowed" from Jason Kallini. With my own added comments, well a few anyway.